In December 2001, I returned to the states from Thailand, where I had been living for over a year. I was back home to see family and friends at Christmas. Kade and I were not engaged, but we were pretty serious. I loved her and was thinking, "She's the one." She stayed in Bangkok and had not yet met my family. Of course, they knew a lot about her through photos, e-mails and phone calls.
That Christmas, I participated in pretty much all activities. There was the cousins party out at Lake Espy and there was another family party or two. I did it all, and was happy. One evening after a night out caroling (yep!), I sat in a backyard with a small group of people (family and others). We were just relaxing and hanging out. At some point, I got a question from one of them, and it was shared aloud so the whole group could hear. “What religion is she?” Whoa!! And it was asked in a way that wasn’t exactly warm. You could detect a tone - definitely some judgment behind it, with the hint of more to come. Certainly I was expecting to be asked some questions about Kade, but not necessarily that one, in that venue, at that moment - out on lawn chairs on a crisp December night. Then two others sat up in their seats and asked that same question - this time in a more specific way. "Is she a Christian?" Very quickly I surmised that they were teaming up to “interrogate” me, and it was all premeditated (lol, a conspiracy). Rather than wilt under the pressure, I jumped right in. In a spirited way, I asked, “How would anyone know if another person’s a Christian? What does the Bible say about it?” There was silence. They looked puzzled. I waited. Since no one spoke, I continued, “The Bible says you shall know them by their fruit – the 'fruit of the spirit.' Kade has love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. In that sense, she’s a Christian.” This reply took them by surprise. I took control of the situation, and quickly. A little, friendly debate ensued - both sides talking, contributing. One person (the one who kicked things off) got up and walked away. I think it was an avoidance tactic more than anything, not knowing how to handle the situation. I didn’t sense he was really upset - just uncomfortable. I was left talking with the others. One, not surprisingly, sat still next to me. I’m sure she had the same questions, but it wouldn’t have been like her to get into something like that.
I pointed out obvious inconsistencies between the Christian message in the Bible with the Christianity taught in lots of churches, within families and in certain communities. I said, "It's very telling that people in the town live right in the middle of an area that may have the most churches per capita of any place in the world, yet despite Jesus’ Great Commission, no one can name any foreign missionaries from our town who gave up everything (job, money, community, etc.) to go to India or China or the Middle East – the places where the vast bulk of people do not believe in Christ – to carry out this all-important task. Ironically, I was able to tout my own record of missionary service and compared it to that of my “inquisitors.” I had actually done it. There was some immediate defensiveness, and I got some classic canned responses, including “Somebody’s got to send them.” But my point was: Who is THEM? I then shared a story from a biography of Keith Green, the charismatic evangelical pianist and vocalist who really tried “walking the walk.” I had read it while in Thailand, incidentally. After arriving in the US South for concerts and revivals, Keith Green said he would never, ever again play in a white church where blacks were not truly welcome. They knew what I was talking about - the hypocrisy. I followed that up with, “Even if it’s true that Kade’s not a Christian, two Christians marrying certainly doesn’t guarantee a successful marriage. Look at the people in this circle.” Everybody was back in the group by this time. In a calm way, and gesturing with my hand, I pointed out some who had gotten divorced. "Divorce.....Divorce.... Divorce." It was like playing Duck Duck Goose. I followed that up with, “Certainly, when you married, you were sure it was a Christian marriage, right? Both of you Christians?" Then a pause. "What happened?” There was silence. I continued, “You know, if Kade said she was a Christian, even that wouldn’t satisfy many ‘believers’? What else would they demand as proof? Formal baptism in a church?” The conservation went on like this for a little longer and I tried earnestly to be respectful. I never raised my voice in anger. Not my MO anyway. I just had passion and conviction, and it came through, no doubt. It’s funny, towards the end, one of them was agreeing with me on points. When speaking, I was very confident. My adrenaline was pumping and my mind was very clear. My comments were logical, succinct and had some real edge to them. I talked about Kade growing up in Bangkok - a huge metropolis - and just how sophisticated she was compared to me. By emphasizing this (her sophistication vis-à-vis mine), I was very aware of the point I was making, as indirectly as it was: "Maybe "we" and "you" (around this circle) don’t know everything. Just maybe."
If ever the idiom “to turn the table” could be applied, it
was that night. As the night ended and I
walked away, back to my car, I didn’t feel I had ruined any relationships - not
at all. I just felt I had stood up for
myself, my relationship and, more importantly, for Kade. When I
got back to my family home on Solomon Road, I gave a play-by-play to my mother. We sat at the
kitchen table. It was just us. It was so easy to see that she was an ally of
mine in this. And then she made a loving
and supportive remark: “Well, just be happy.
That’s likely the last time you'll have to do that.” I took her words as a big encouragement.
“Staying silent is like a slow growing cancer to the soul and a trait of a true coward. There is nothing intelligent about not standing up for yourself. You may not win every battle. However, everyone will at least know what you stood for—YOU.” ―
“Live the Life of Your Dreams: Be brave enough to live the life of your dreams according to your vision and purpose instead of the expectations and opinions of others.” ―
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